Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Microwave Massacre (1983)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Creepiness 3/5 (but only because of the actors)
Entertainment 2/5

Jackie Vernon, who plays the main guy in this "film", also did the voice of Frosty the Snowman in the cartoon we all grew up watching every December. You remember -  "Happy Birthday!" Here, he plays a hen-pecked construction worker who loses it one day, kills his wife, chops her up and starts cooking pieces of her to pawn off as lunch meat to his work buddies. 

Thus ends anything even remotely interesting about Microwave Massacre. The description above is far more graphic and horrifying than anything in the movie. When I say there is no gore, I'm not kidding. Were it not for several boob scenes, this could easily run on ABC every Saturday morning. 

Ok, maybe not. I think it's probably safe to say the deeply disturbing ugliness of the people, set design and music might scare some people off. Though this was released in 1983, it definitely has a strong 1978 vibe going: mustaches, butterfly collars, big wide ties, pumpin' disco and not a bra in sight. I think one of the characters drives a burgundy van as well. 

It starts out ok - you quickly catch on that there are no production values here at all, there really isn't much of a script and the dialogue and acting are so bad it's funny. In fact, it' easy to be lulled into thinking that you are about to be treated to a night of Mystery Science Theater goodness. You are wrong. After the first 15 minutes which includes lots of boobs, lots of bad dialogue, and lots and lots of fugly people, it never goes any further. That is to to say - there is never, at any point, a "massacre". There is no blood. There is no gore. In fact - the blood you see in the trailer below- THAT'S IT. There is nothing scary happening. And without that added in, this is simply shit. 

If you want a really awesome MST3K movie from the 80's check out the incredible Hard Rock Zombies. It is far superior...relatively speaking.....Happy Birthday!

- Complaint Dept

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