Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday the 13th (2009)

Fear 2/5
Gore 3/5
Creepiness 2/5
Entertainment 3/5
Useless Remake Factor: 5/5

I predicted this film would bring a fat satchel of suck. In the end, it was a mixed bag. Mainly of douche.

This 're-imagining' of Friday the 13th makes no bones about who the star of the film truly is. Jason is front and center the entire film, disposing of more douchey American Eagle teens than you can shake a stick at. It opens with the death of his mother by the last remaining camp counselor who has managed to survive the mothers quest for vengeance. As the counselor lops off mommy's head, little Jason bears witness. His mother encourages him to carry on her work, killing all who let him drown in the infamous Crystal Lake.

Fast forward 20 years or so, the first group of Abercrombie douches arrive on the scene and decide to camp near the lake after a day of hiking. Why are they hiking you might ask? Is it their love of the wilderness and mother nature? The love of being out in the open, camping under the stars and enjoying the elements perhaps? Nope, this group of kids is looking for a secret garden of marijuana. Yes kids, they are traversing through the wilderness looking for some mary jane. So naturally, they set up camp for the evening, one of the douchey kids tells about the story of Jason and his mother which of course conveniently sets up the next 10 minutes of the film where he comes along and starts hacking away, killing them off one by one. Kudos for the scene in which Jason encloses one of the gals in a sleeping bag, ties a rope by her legs and strings her up over a tree branch and sets a bonfire underneath.

So after Jason dispenses of the first group of douchenozzles, another group drives out to a cabin near the lake. This group is even douchier than the last. King douchebag is the leader of the group, being overly douchey in his demeanor and ordering his group of friends around like a sandbox bully. Driving into town, they meet a guy who is looking for his sister (who was in the first group of half a dozen douches) as he passes out missing fliers.

The kids make it to the house, where they hole themselves up and fall into all the trappings necessary for a slasher flick: drinking, drugs and sex. And all the other elements are also there: super douchey guys, a nerdy sidekick cohort, and a sweet, innocent girl. But for some reason, you just don't give two shits about a single one of these characters and the whole film you find yourself cheering for their timely deaths. I got the feeling the director completely intended this.

Anyways. the big guy comes along and starts killing off the kiddos in pretty standard fashion: chasing them through the woods, slinging hatchets and machetes, flinging arrows. Standard Jason fare. The guy that is looking for his lost sister by this time has met up with the group. Oh yeah, and the guy finds his sister who Jason has kept around because she looks like his dear ol' mum. She uses this against him in the end, toying with him and his emotions. The film ends with the same sort of ending that its predecessor did only you were totally expecting it to happen. And in the end, I was left saying 'why?'. Another in a long line of remakes, re-imagingings, whatever you want to call it, that did not need to be done. So you shot the film from a different perspective? Whoopty fucking do. Like the Halloween remake, I won't be seeing this again. Unless I want to view a character study on douchbaggery.

Cortez the Killer

* * *

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 1/5
Creepiness 0/5

That remaking this was pointless is a given. That this would be, as Cortez puts it, a big bag of suck was not. The story being as simple as it is left a lot of room for creative "reimagining". But instead of upping the ante and making this scarier, utilizing today's technology to make this gory as all get out, the producers opted instead to just make it dumb and barely teetering on Pg-13 territory.

To be 100% up front, I'm not a fan of the Friday the 13th franchise. It's just never done much for me. I enjoy the first one and some of the subsequent "sequels" are vaguely entertaining, but for the most part I just can't force myself to buy into any of it. Oddly enough though, I enjoyed Freddy vs. Jason. So maybe I'm just a dork.

Anyway, this remake isn't just bad, it's insulting. Cortez does a pretty solid job of calling out what's wrong with this in a detailed way, but the broadstroke, high-level view of this can be summed up in this way: much, much more attention was paid to developing douchebag characters that you are supposed to either root for or hate than to being a decent horror film.

Low levels of blood, cheap scares and an almost total lack of cohesiveness make this nearly unwatchable. It's not even bad in a fun way or even in a way I can make fun of. It's just a shitty movie. Skip.

-Complaint Dept

1 comment:

MarkusWelby1 said...

I actually enjoyed this till the last few seconds. I know they couldn't kill Jason off, but come on! They couldn't come up with a better ending? How did that conversation go down anyways "help me drag him down to the lake even though his neck is chained to the woodchipper" I liked the more human Jason and his little network of tunnels. But that end.....argh.