Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Screwfly Solution (2007)

Fear: 0/5
Gore: 2/5
Entertainment: 0/5
Creepiness: 3/5
Nightmares: 0/5

Wow, just wow. Joe Dante's (director of Gremlins and The Howling) contribution to the Masters of Horror is nothing short of horrible.

Starring Jason Priestley (that's Brandon Walsh if you're nasty) and Elliott Gould, The Screwfly Solution is about a virus that afflicts men only and causes them to commit acts of rage and sexual assault on women. Gould and Priestly are scientists who are working on genetically attacking the reproduction of Screwflies in order to bring their populations under control, and low and behold these are the two best guys that the government can get to solve the maniac man killers.

Their solution? A) round up every woman across the GLOBE and put them in camps, or B) chemically, or surgically castrate all men. Now folks, horror films are only scary when their premises are believable. And this ain't. So it's not scary, it's fucking cheesy as can be, and what's worse is it's insulting to watch women treated this way. It's as though Joe Dante has been waiting his whole life to make a movie where he can rationalize misogyny and be touted as brave for doing so.

Nope, it all just comes off as ridiculous. But I digress; after shit starts hitting the fan, Brandon Walsh sends his wife and daughter to Canada in the woods with a gun, with instructions to shoot him if he follows them. Of course, he winds up at the cabin and before she can shoot him she is knocked unconscious. She wakes up in a hospital, her daughter nowhere to be found, but apparently Elliott Gould has been putting shoe polish on her face to look like 5 O'clock shadow to keep her safe.

They run away together and then he dies. After she buries him, the rest of the show is about her running from redneck hunters. Just when you thought it couldn't get any lamer, the hunters dogs stumble upon aliens who are messing with some glowing gadget. They kill the hunters, and feed snacks to their dogs.

The woman winds up living in the woods as Elliott Gould does a voice-over explaining that the Earth is a garden, we are the pests, and somebody finally called in the exterminators. So, to recap, the ALIENS engineered a virus to make men kill women to eradicate the human species jsut how we bioengineered the screwfly to kill them off.

awesome man, totally awesome.

however, seeing Jason Priestly with a beard is worth at least 2 minutes of this, and he's actually not a bad actor. The gore is really well done in some shots, and terrible in others.

All in all, I'd rather put myself in a camp than watch this again.

- the fucking beard


Cortez the Killer said...

Glad to see Dante get's 2 opportunities with this series to lay a turdfest. Clearly, not worthy of the title master of horror. Good to know that Jason Priestly can still find work. I can finally sleep peacefully at night.

the fucking beard said...

i am reading this as my girlfriend watches reruns of 90210.

now that is a terrifying show...