Monday, October 29, 2007

The Reaping (2007)


Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5
Nightmares 0/5

A movie based on the 10 plagues of Egypt? Sign me the hell up. How could this movie NOT be cool? For those of you not versed on the 'good' book, let's run down the list:

1. Rivers or other bodies of water turn into blood (cue Slayer)
2. Kermit takes over the land
3. People get scratchy scalps from the stuff they sent you home for in grade school
4. Livestock die suddenly from an inexplicable disease
5. Jeff Goldblum and his buddies show up; people proclaim 'We're going to need a bigger swatter'
6. Boils erupt, causing one's face to fall off
7. Hail mixed with fire rain down (baby jebus must be really mad)
8. Darkness covers the land day and night
9. Swarms of Jiminy Crickets flutter about
10. And to top it all off, everyone's first born gets waxed
What's god going to do for an encore? Subject me to 24 hours of stand-up comedy starring this douchebag?
With what surely seems like an amazing concept with limitless possibilities to cause true onscreen terror, quickly becomes a crusty pile of ridiculousness within a mere matter of minutes. It was so bad, I was clamoring for the remote. Sadly, I bought it on InDemand and being that I am a total cheapass and had to get my money's worth even if it was truly awful, I decided to stick it out. And no, it absolutely did not get better.
Starring Hilary 'Horse Face' Swank, The Reaping focuses on a college professor and scientist who makes a living out of debunking so-called miracles. She reasons that every 'miracle' can be rationally broken down and proven by science. It is in her 'genius' that a small town pastor from pigs knuckle Arkansas comes to her with the problems his townspeople are facing.
I won't go into greater detail on each said plague but the town starts to experience them, no one being able figure out 'why' exactly this is happening. Big mouth face wakes up one night to find pastor dude performing a bizarre ritual and she begins to suspect that something is amiss. We come to find out that the townsfolk are all first borns and one of the members has a second child she has been hiding. Why exactly? If you are really THAT compelled after reading this, go rent it. But spend your hard earned $4 elsewhere.

The most annoying part of this film is that it assumes that the viewer is absolutely retarded and can not figure out ANYTHING for themselves. It feels the need to explain every single aspect of it in a series of flashbacks and people telling stories a la 'There was a time that we lived peacefully, blah blah blah.' What could have been a truly horrifying film was dumbed down not only from the silly plot and really really bad CGI effects, but also the horrendous acting of Hilary Swank. What the fuck did she win an Oscar for exactly? Fix that annoying overbite for christsakes. Steer clear almighty readers.

Cortez the Killer

2 comments:

the fucking beard said...

cannot .. stop... from.. making bad bad BAD joke..

um, wasn't hilary swank already in the rapening?

she got an oscar for it right?

i'll be going back to family guy now. sorry.

Complaint Depatment said...

Mmm. Tasteless.

The Reaping utilized Joe Nickell as a consultant (or so he says) who is actually a pretty neat guy. Look him up. From what I understand, the film did not turn out as he had hoped (which, if you check out his biography and body of work is not surprising).