Thursday, September 20, 2007

Feast (2005)

Fear 1/5
Gore 5/5++++
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5
Nightmares 0/5

The winners of the third season of Project Greenlight (brought to you by those douchebag schmucks in Good Will Hunting), got to make their little flick into a full fledged movie offering in Feast. More like a full fledged offer of donkey doo doo. Oh, and Wes Craven 'executive produced' it which is an automatic shit stamped seal of approval. Its more like 'Hey, I don't have time to write, direct or produce this steamy pile of filth but let me attach my name to it and hopefully you get some notoriety from it.' 'Any time I attach my name to something, its pure gold.' Cue Christopher Walken, Blue Oyster Cult making hit records, and putting pants on ' leg at a time.'

Feast features a seething denizen of no good, dirty rotten, filthy miscreants holed up in a roadside bar (think From Dusk til' Dawn) that come under attack from a band of inbreeding alien beasts. Or so you think at least. The movie is never really clear. What you get is some dude, running into the bar, screaming holy hell that some monsters are coming, everyone holes themselves up and get prepared for their impending doom (a veritable smorgasbord of wondrous feasts perhaps??). The perceived hero, is offed in the first 10 minutes and the remainder of the movie shifts focus from person to person. Who out of this rag tag bunch is going to save our ass now? Enter thespian extraordinaire Henry Rollins.

The dialogue is truly awful, the plot line paper thin, and there is absolutely no suspense whatsoever. Despite A LOT of the shortcomings of this flick (if you can get through them all) the one saving grace, is the copious amounts of splendorous gore. Some really awesome gore effects that are nicely done and pretty much run the length of the film. From start to finish, the gory goodness oozes through but that is pretty much the only going for this film. Watching good ol' Henry try to act and be funny, uh yeah, I'd just rather have a root canal. I know its supposed to be campy, but jesus he was awful.

Come for the camp, stay for the gore (if you can stomach the abundance of absurd dialogue and dumb as nails plot line), Feast is a little fun but hardly worth any hard earned spent dollars from renting or buying it. Steal it instead.

Cortez the Killer

* * *
Fear 1/5
Gore 3/5
Entertainment 2/5
Creepiness 1/5
Nightmares 0/5

Ok, for the most part, Cortez is pretty on the money here. A good flick, this is not and everything that he pointed out as being shitty here is correct. Here's what I thought was good, however.

Rollins isn't all that bad and honestly, the scene where he sports the too-tight, pink sweat pants was pretty funny.

Yes, the dialogue is bad. But at times, I found myself laughing. The main guy's insistence on giving each character a nickname was kind of funny. "Cocoon" for example.

A child is devoured by the monsters in a bloody and violent scene. A woman is face-fucked by one of the monsters and spits the ejaculate out. I'll always tip my hat to American horror film producers who can push the envelope, no matter how ridiculous that envelope's contents may be. At the very least, you've made an impact (negative as it may be) on someone watching.

And yeah, the gore is pretty good - if not a little baffling at times. What was up with all of the maggots? And, for the record, though I'm no surgeon, I don't think anyone's eyeball is attached to a long sinewy strand of muscle. I could be wrong.

Otherwise, yeah, this was a turd burger.

- Complaint Department

1 comment:

Jewcifer said...

This movie was funny. Just dont take it seriously. And the face-fuck was awesomely disgusting.