Thursday, August 30, 2007

Valerie On The Stairs (2006)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5
Nightmares 0/5

Absolutely fucking terrible. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone that was rejected by the producers when it was revealed to have been written by a middle school student. Except that it's based on a Clive Barker story. Which is kind of the same thing.

Struggling writer moves into a building . . . oh why waste my time? Here's the plot as summarized on Wikipedia: "Rob Hanisey is a new tenant at a large apartment filled with unsuccessful writers where they can live rent-free until they make their first publication. During his stay, he witnesses disturbing visions of a beautiful, naked, and slime-covered woman named Valerie (Clare Grant) who calls for his help from a flight of ghostly stairs. It is revealed by other writers in the building who say they have written Valerie into the confines of the beast."

No really, there is a "beast" and it's played by Tony Todd, the ding-dong who played Candyman. In this go round, he's all decked out in a cheesy rubber "demon" costume with some neato pointy teeth. And yeah, he's the product of all of the dreams and energy poured out by these frustrated writers. And yeah, the protagonist finds out that he too was written into the story and at the end he disintegrates into a pile of book pages that float through the air.

This was so bad, even the pointless nudity couldn't peak my interest. Even the gore was boring. So by the numbers. This was like eating mushrooms cooked in pee-pee. It was like plucking every beard hair out of my face one by one.

Written and directed by Mick Garris who also wrote *batteries not included and directed a few made for TV Stephen King adaptations. He's no Mick Harris, that's for sure. That guy was the Human Tornado.

-Complaint Department

No comments: