Friday, August 31, 2007

Dead Clowns 2007

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5
Nightmares 0/5

Goddammit, I can't believe I rented this movie. O.k., it was done so without my intention. I was perusing the list of horror flicks on 'In Demand' and saw the title of this movie so I clicked on the 'View Trailer' button. The screen froze, and when it came to after hitting my remote multiple times, I had inadvertently purchased this pile of steamy cow dung. Reading the movie synopsis, I thought 'Hey, this looks like it might have potential':

Fifty years ago, a bridge collapsed in the small coastal town of Port Emmett, plunging a circus train into the water. The clown car was never recovered. As a hurricane approaches, zombie clowns emerge from the bay, seeking revenge.'
Sounds brilliant right? Alas, I was so pissed off after watching this, I did not have the strength and muscular fortitude to pick up the phone and call the cable company, only to be put on hold for 2 hours, to receive a refund of $3.99.
So basically the synopsis is all you need to know about the plot. The film itself is so low budget that it reminded me of watching family home movies that my dad used to make using a VHS camcorder. The most annoying part was that the dialogue was so badly dubbed that about half of the movie you don't hear any of it because the music score is totally fucking blaring over what the characters are saying on screen. I had my 5.1 Dolby Surround sound cranked and I still couldn't hear a fucking goddamn thing.
To top it all off, this movie is the WORST rendition of zombies I have ever seen committed to film. They are zombies in only the vaguest of terms. Instead of lumbering, rotting corpses, you get burned to a black char skeletons that look like they just came off a barbecue grill (chicken anyone?). And to put the finishing touches on this shit cake, there is minimal blood and gore which is just an absolute sin and a sure fire way to piss off the most ardent of admirers of this genre of horror films. There is however one decent scene which involves a meat thermometer and an eye gouge. But that's about it folks.
I know horror movies come off the assembly line like bleach blond, siliconed girls in California, but come the fuck on. Put a little bit of effort into something THAT could potentially be phenomenal. Zombie clowns? Seriously? Tell me who would not want to see a band of Krusty's ripping people limb from limb. If this is all that it takes for someone to pick up a tab for someone's idea of a 'good' horror film, someone give me a ring. I've got a decent script ready.
Cortez the Killer

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