Thursday, August 9, 2007

The Covenant (2006)

Fear 0/5
Gore 0/5
Entertainment 0/5
Creepiness 0/5
Nightmares 0/5
Probability of self-inflicted face punching: 10

Great mother of god, this is one fantastically laid turd of cinematic filth. Four teen boys with 'extreme' powers, come from a bloodline of witches in The Covenant. Their respective families long ago made a pact to blend in and become normal functioning members of society. This 'secret', is what has kept them relatively hidden for generations, despite their unique powers and abilities. Apparently, there is a fifth family that no one new about and its the spawn wonder boy of this family that gets a thirst for taking over and assuming even more power.

So the four boys live a pretty normal life as the cool kids of the school, using their magic to amuse themselves. They sometimes push their limits and almost risk being exposed. But with their power comes a price, the more they use it, the more it weakens them and ages their body. To add to their teenage wiles and arrogance, each teen becomes a super witch and they 'ascend' at midnight on their 18th birthday. This further tempts them to explore the boundaries of their power. Yes, this script was written by a 10 year old.

So the fifth annoying teen comes along, mr johnny badass, trying to blend in and become friends with the group. From the get go you know what he's up to and there is absolutely no mystery as to why he's there. He killed off his family, received their powers and wants to take the power of the main leader of the gang of four on his 18th birthday.

I've tried to make this mess of a plot sound somewhat interesting, but for the life of me I cannot. The funniest part of the movie was the final throwdown between bratty teen who wants to be all powerful and the gang of four kid turning 18 who tries in vain to rescue his lady. The kids tussle, each hurling their mystic water balloons at each other and each one that is flung, sounds like a fireball pluck pluck from Super Mario Bros.

The Covenant? More like The Convent. This was a shithouse of the highest order. Only watch this garbage if you want to punch yourself in the face at the end for wasting an hour and forty minutes of your life.

Cortez the Killer

1 comment:

the fucking beard said...

Holy crap I can't believe you sat through this! I cringed whenever the trailer came on. From this day forward, if I ever overhear anyone questioning your commitment to horror films, I will defend your honor sir.