Ball Punching Coming to Danny Boyle: 5/5
Ok so here's the deal. The Easter Bunny has dug a tunnel to the North Pole and stolen Santa Clause's personal stash of weed, which is magic weed and highly valuable to the FBI, who needs the magic weed to induce a trance in some of their agents to show them the location of the mystical talisman that will cover all traces of the JFK cover up. Sounds like a ridiculous plot I know, but ZING, I made that up! The real plot is that the sun is dying and we need to send a crew of indie rock dorks up in a space ship with a huge bomb strapped to it so that we can "restart" the sun with a huge explosion. Does that sound better? If it does give yourself a good strong punch in the nuts.
I put the absolute ludicrous science of the concept of this film aside and went and saw it due to a recommendation from a friend. Did I get a harrowing story of human accomplishment? Almost.
What I got was another, yes ANOTHER fucking movie that gives up on itself halfway through. I could take it if people NEVER gave a shit about the movies they make, and just put out crap, but it seemed like they cared about this one a little bit, but it turns into the worst mess ever. To its credit, this film has some AMAZING visuals. There is a scene where the crew passes by Mercury on the way to the sun that is so beautiful it really made me think that I might be in for a treat despite the silly premise, but unfortunately what I was in for was this:
Cillian Murphy, prettyboy zombie killer from 28 Weeks Later plays a scientist who develops the bomb that will re-ignite the sun. He's sleeping with the hot little indie rock chick that seems to have no apparent specialty. The character dynamic in the crew is well done, until the first crisis that hits them, after which the drama is reduced to a series of "what do we do now? we have to make a tough choice". These life or death choices take the place of the cliches that are usually aimed at the crews of spaceships, and after a while it becomes a comical tool of thinning out the astronauts.
As things begin to get boring, and the movie teeters between the stories of Event Horizon and Alien, in comes the worst surprise of all, this guy. That's right, as the spaceship responds to a distress call from the first mission that went missing 7 years before, they find a deserted ship with the crew all dead. Well, not all of the crew cause Freddy K finds his way into the new ship and starts stalking what is left of the crew (at this point down to 4 from 7).
What starts out as a fairly solid sci-fi flick degenerates into a bad, BAD slasher film where you don't care about what is going on, who it is happening to or why. And what do we end up with ? A slightly better told version of The Core.
I need to gain some sort of status where I get to watch movies with the folks that create them so that I can doll out the appropriate ball punches where deserved. It's the only way to save Hollywood from assfucks like Danny Boyle. Die in a fire dude.
This is the worst sci-fi movie that all the hipsters will love.
- the fucking beard