Sunday, July 15, 2007

976-Evil (1989)

Fear 0/5
Gore 1/5
Creepiness 0/5
Entertainment 2/5
Nightmares 0/5

So here's how my Saturday went down: Hex and I got up at 7:30 AM and hit up Roxy's Diner in Fremont where I scarfed down Carrot Bread French Toast which was fantastic. Hex then did some volunteer work with Orangutans and I went for a 20 mile bike ride. I came home, watched the Tour de France highlights and took a bath where I read a magazine. Hex came home, we dropped off her car at the dealership for an oil change and then took a 4 hour nap. Plans to go see Captivity were scrapped as we decided to eat nachos and stay home to watch 976-Evil on E-Mystery. Then we went back to sleep. That's how we roll. Non-stop excitement.

Why the day's description? Because it's more interesting than the movie.

Directed by Robert Englund, 976-Evil is a forgettable and disposable little film that is light on scares and gore and heavy on cheese and ding-dongery. The story revolves around two cousins, one a cigarette smoking, leather jacket wearing, gambling, motorcycle riding mullethead who likes to bang chicks and steal shit, the other a nerdy, argyle sweater vest wearing, peeping tom, swirlie receiving, vespa riding (and crashing) weenie who is perpetually bullied by a "gang" of skater-punkers types (I guess). Both boys run across an ad for a 976 phone line called the "horrorscope" and begin to call it regularly. It turns out that the line is run by Satan himself to recruit people into his legion and one of the guys turns into a demon.

Sounds better than it is.

Aside from the phenomenal 80's clothing and hairstyles, there's not much going for this movie. The scares are non-existent, and by non-existent I mean they really don't exist. It's not that the scary parts failed, they just never materialized. There is also a remarkable lack of gore for a movie directed by a horror icon in the mid-late 80's.

The geeky character is played by Stephen Geoffreys, star of the much better Fright Night and, more interestingly, lead actor in countless gay porn films in the 1990s (I seriously wish I was making that up). The tough dude is played by a guy that looks a bit like a sleazier Ethan Hawke and . . . that's about all I can come up with for this snoozer. Wheee.

Hey - by the way, if you live in the Seattle area, be sure to check out Grand Illusion Cinema's line up this month: Mothra, Giant Monsters All-Out Attack, Bride of Frankenstein, Blacula, Squirm, Blood Beach, The Craving and the gore-fest from Italy DEMONS. Awesome.

- Complaint Dept

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