Sunday, June 24, 2007

Mindhunters (2005)

Fear 0/5
Gore 2/5
Creepiness 0/5
Entertainment 1/5
Nightmares 0/5
Having grown up as a child and grandchild of FBI agents, I have a hard time swallowing actors acting like FBI agents. I mean, we had agents at our house all the time as well as police officers and detectives and not a single one of them looked or acted anything like characters in movies do. They're not cool. Most of them have mustaches and none of them look like Denzel Washington, Christian Slater, or better yet, LL Cool J. My dad, for instance, likes Sci-Fi movies, has had a mustache for as long as I've been alive (although there is some photographic evidence of a short stint sans mustache sometime in the 70's - made up for by a wicked pair of bell-bottoms and a too-tight polyester shirt) and he enjoys martinis.
Another problem I have with FBI movies - especially ones with any type of profiling is that I was studying to hopefully become a profiler. And then I was told in a classroom by a visiting profiler that our chance of being struck by lightning was greater than becoming a profiler. So on to Forensic Anthropology I was and then I turned to Apes. Anyways - the point is that I spent a huge chunk of my life reading books about profiling, being obsessed with serial killers and why they killed and talking to any agent who would listen about my becoming a profiler for the FBI. According to this movie though, there are tons of opportunities within the FBI to become a profiler and who better to do it than Val Kilmer? Or maybe Christian Slater? Or even Jonny Lee Miller? No wait! LL Cool J!!!
On to the plot...there are a group of young FBI students undergoing training as profilers who are known as the "Mindhunters". Val Kilmer, being a legendary profiler himself, sends them off to a training facility that happens to be on a small island and leaves them there (supposedly). All forms of the government use this island and it's set up as a fake town. Their job is to profile a serial killer who has committed a murder there. Each Mindhunter is young, fairly attractive and has their own unique personality that will make them the best Mindhunter ever. Of course, there is an actual killer on the island and he starts killing each one of them. First death...Christian Slater...yesssss. He gets liquid Nitrogen sprayed all over him, freezes, and breaks into large chunks. However, it's not as cool as it sounds. I actually laughed heartily out loud. So, the killer continues to kill each one of them and all their deaths are related to their personality and there are messages left at each crime scene so they can profile the killer and stop the insanity. It's ridiculous. Although, not as ridiculous as Jonny Lee Miller's fake American accent. Ugh.
It's the most ludicrous movie about agents I've seen so far, but I did sit through it, so maybe I shouldn't be as hard on it and I was. If I were you though, I would pass it up and go for 2001 Maniacs. Now that shit's funny.

1 comment:

Jewcifer said...

It wasnt that bad... you were just pre-disposed to dislike it, as you so gracefully mentioned to start your review.