Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Thirst (2006)

Fear: 0/5
Gore: 3/5
Creepiness: 0/5
Entertainment: 2.5/5
Nightmares: 0/5
T&A: 3/5

Well, with cover art like this and a review from Cinefantastique that reads "Requiem for a Dream meets Near Dark", I have to admit I had low expectations. Truth be told, the whole goth-erotic-vampire (vampyre?) scene really does nothing for me. But this turned out to be better than I thought . . . well, ok, not really, it's fucking terrible, but it was stupid enough to keep me entertained.

The Thirst stars Jeremy Sisto (the kid in Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna take It" video, Clare Kramer (from the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer - of which I have seen not a single episode thank you) and Adam Baldwin, whom I always associate with both Full Metal Jacket and, of course, My Bodyguard. Plot goes like this: Stripper girl, dying of cancer, meets a strange woman who visits her in her hospital room. She dies (stripper girl) and becomes a vampire. Her boyfriend, he of the leather jacket, motorcycle and accountant haircut, mourns her by growing a phenomenally fake beard and hiding out in his apartment. Blah blah blah, some cheesy goth club, blah blah blah and the boyfriend becomes a vampire too. After a few scenes, the boyfriend and stripper decide to kill off the vampires that "turned them".

Throughout the movie there is copious boob-age (expected) and truly horrific dialogue. I mean really bad. The actors are cardboard and the story is just plain dumb. But what's really bad is the way these people talk to each other. Everything is so urgent, nothing is ever spoken as much as it is spat out or screamed. It's called melodrama and overacting and it's right at home here. And can they please decide which fake accent they are going to use? Why did they sound Russian at times, Texan at others and English from time to time. Annoying.

Still, between the boobies (no complaints) and "acting" are some really bloody death scenes including having a night lamp rammed down a throat, gut-munching, poking a pointy vampire finger into a guys head, brain eating, and lots and lots and lots of excessive arterial spray shots.

Somewhere along in the third act there is a weak attempt at making an analogy between drug addiction and vampirism, but why bother in a film so gloriously wallowing in silliness, hooters and blood? It's not needed and the attempt to redeem itself as an artistic statement is distracting. Just shut up and keep the blood a-flowin'.

I see the analogy between Requiem and Near Dark (a lousy film by the way, don't believe the hype. . . or anything Bill Paxton says), but I think this more accurately compared to Return of the Living Dead, what with it's kooky kids and bad goth-metal. Except The Return of the Living Dead is balls out awesome and this is just a fun distraction on a day off work. I wouldn't, like recommend it or anything.

- Complaint Dept

**************************************

Fear: 0/5
Gore: 3/5
Creepiness: 0/5
Entertainment: 4/5
Nightmares: 5/5*

Please let me start out by saying that I have no real idea why I liked this movie so much. Everything Complaint Dept. said about the dialouge and acting were true. You can tell from the production value that this is barely a step above a Trauma flick, but for some reason, I had a really good time watching it. What's more, while all of the relationships in the film made no sense, I liked watching the two main characters interact. For as lousy as the acting was, I liked watching the main guy suffer after his girlfriend dies. I didn't like it because it was good in any way, I just liked it.

The thing with Jeremy Sisko's accent was weird, and obviously intentional, but completely nonsensical. Clearly the film-maker was trying to make some sort of statement with this, but you are never sure what it is. What is even less clear is that an hour (exactly) into the flick, there is a scene where the main character is having sex with/converting into a vampire some girl and as he bites into her, you can CLEARLY see on his back a plastic tube, filled with fake blood, and a piece of tape that is flapping around. I can't imagine somebody just overlooking this big of a goof, so was it an intentional way of showing how cheeky the whole film was? I would honestly hope this later were true before the former, and it would sort of go along with the needless shifting of accents. Hmmmm....

The last thing that makes very little sense is a pair of Asian zombie/vampire girls who babble and chatter all the time and only serve the purpose of occasionally getting naked. Kind of annoying, and totally pointless. At any rate, as campy and bad as this was, I enjoyed it and I am not one who enjoys campy Trauma-like films.

* Based solely on the possibility that there was a computer generated beard, which will haunt me until the day I die.

- the fucking beard

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