Monday, May 21, 2007

Murder Set Pieces (2004)

Fear: 0/5
Gore: 2/5
Creepiness: 0/5
Entertainment: 1/5
Nightmares: 0/5
T and A: 4/5

File this under shit sandwich with a side of filthy rotten pickles. Murder Set Pieces opens up with interesting footage shot of the 9/11 terrorist attacks (why this was chosen to open up this shitfest is beyond me). A young female voice then croons, 'Just you wait a little while, the nasty man in black will come. With his little chopper, he will chop you up.' Interesting way to start the film for sure and it definitely peaked my interest (aside from the claim on the good ol' video box of it being one of the most 'disturbing' films released in the last 10 years). The only thing disturbing about this flick is how fucking retarded and insulting it is to the slasher genre. This movie irritated me on so many levels its not even funny.

This pile of steamy shit involves a German fashion photographer who, for reasons unknown and not explained in these crap frames committed to film, has a penchant for killing his female subjects. Photograph nude ladies, hack them up after making sweet intercourse (I just watched Borat, sue me), rinse and repeat. That's the basis for this movie. And what starts off as being perceived to be the worst German accent you've ever heard, becomes even funnier when you find out (through a little research on the interwebs) that the lead actor is actually from Germany. Either its the shitty writing that lends itself to the over pronunciation of this fine accent, a really bad director, or both. I'm going with both. To top it all off, there is a reasonable amount of blood (always good) but the most poorly shot scenes that I have ever witnessed when it comes to slasher films. There are a lot of scenes that imply the gory details of bodily desecration but never show the mess as it ensues. Poorly shot camera angles plus jerky movement, minus zooming in on the bloody goodness equals the final ingredient in this shit stew. Even the T and A was awkwardly shot for fuck sakes. Yes, the fundamental centerpiece of every slasher film is the inclusion of some good ol' boobies. What was set up as this guy being touted as a 'serious' fashion photographer immediately illicited side splitting laughs from this reviewer when we catch a glimpse of his first photo shoot. The way that these overly siliconed, bending over like a porn shoot, women were being photgraphed was anything but fashionable. On second thought, these were probably the best scenes shot in the movie as they are fucking hysterical.

I hate sounding like a 3rd grader that just discovered cuss words but this movie is really fucking terrible. I can take a bad horror movie when it is obviously intended to be bad but I become thoroughly irritated when, for all intensive purposes, it presents itself as being serious when in fact it should not have been. Avoid this at all costs.

Cortez the Killer


the fucking beard said...

How can you expect me to avoid something with a T&A rating of 4? I'm only human for God's sake!

Anonymous said...

I hate to say it, but this is the first time I have ever heard you give a movie a bad rating. Ever! I don't even think you are negative ever, so now I'm tempted to watch this movie just so I can find out what got you all riled up!

Complaint D said...

The tip-off should have been the testamonial across the front from Hustler magazine.