Monday, May 14, 2007

Hard Rock Zombies (1984)

Fear: 0/5
Gore: 1/5
Creepiness: 3/5
Entertainment: 3/5
Nightmares: 05

Somehow I ran across this unknown gem on Netflix (I think by doing a search for "zombies") and the reviews were so incredible that I had to check it out. Make no mistake, no one on this planet will ever say this is a good movie. There is nothing good about it except how unbelievably bad it is. Saying this is a shitheap is akin to saying the Holocaust was "unfortunate". Words cannot do justice to this film's remarkable numb-nuttery.


I choose the example of the Holocaust as an analogy because Hitler is one of the main characters in this film, along with a werewolf in a wheel chair, a dwarf with an eye patch who likes to watch his grandpa and grandma have sex, a dwarf in some truly bad makeup who later devours himself, scores of big haired metal babes, a bald dude who kills people with a weed wacker and, of course, an unnamed power ballad band who possess the ability to resurrect the dead.


Story you ask? If you must: Unnamed hair band are scheduled to play some hick town in California. The town is home to a scary family who kill long haired dudes for sport as well as a bunch of rednecks who don't like "the rock and roll". The band arrives, are taken in by the family and are eventually killed by them. A young groupie girl with enormous eyebrows plays a cassette recording of the band's theme song which resurrects the band who then kill the family off and then bail to play their concert. The evil family, as in all zombie movies, then come back to life and turn the entire town into zombies.


Here is some dialogue - rocker dude is in jail talking to a groupie girl who has come to visit:


Rocker Dude: "You're neat."


It has more to it, but really what's the point in elaborating. I was amazed at how bad this movie was. I can't explain it. It's so bad. So so so bad. I rated it high on the creepiness scale simply because it creeps me out that people would spend money to create this, let alone, market and show it in theaters (note this was before direct to video releases). I paid for it through Netflix so I guess that either says something about me being creepy myself, or the genius of the film makers. Hopefully the latter.


Here's an amazingly LONG overview of this film. They do it way more justice than I ever will.
Finally, please note that this is tagged as both a shit-sandwich AND recommended. That's right.

- Complaint Dept

2 comments:

the fucking beard said...

i think you should know that this got put right at the top of my que.

BJ-C said...

Well, you should know now, we must elope to Vegas...because some one else has actually seen this :)