Sunday, May 6, 2007

Blade (1998)

Fear: 0
Gore: 2
Creepiness: 0
Entertainment: 1
Nightmares: 0

Imagine two fat virgins who listen to bad goth and techno working 20 hours a week at Hot Topic and then blowing their paycheck on comic books. Now imagine that they write a movie where a musclebound and armor-plated pseudo-ninja with an Arsenio Hall hairdo and bad tribal tattoos fights a big ole' mess of vampires who also, strangely enough, like bad techno and shop at Hot Topic. Let's say they have a proposed budget of $45,000 and that $10,000 of it is set aside for bad CGI effects like splashing blood and subway trains that run people over. Then imagine that New Line Cinema reads this script and says "it's a winner! We'll give you a budget of $100 million dollars - but use that to get us some top notch actors, not on special effects. Someone like, say, Kris Kristofferson. Did you ever see Convoy? That was GOLD!"

Now imagine that you've just fished a big turd out of your toilet and set it on a silver platter. You've then taken a toothpick and a post-it note and fashioned a little flag out of it. The flag reads "Blade". I challenge you differentiate between the two.

Blade is a person. He's half vampire, half human. He knows karate. He carries a sword and wears sunglasses. He's tough. He drives a 1970s Dodge with an engine that goes "vrroom". He's sort of like Rambo and Wolverine if they had a baby who liked Nine Inch Nails. He spends his time killing vampires. He lives with Kris Kristofferson who wears a leather vest and smokes a lot. They have a lot of neat guns and stuff. The vampires have a truce with the humans, but recently that truce was broken by a rebel vampire played by Stephen Dorff (whose resume includes episodes of Different Strokes, Empty Nest and Roseanne). Dorff is a bad guy. You can tell by his haircut. Dorff wants to kill off the vampire council and resurrect the "Blood God". He needs to get Blade's blood to do this because Blade is a "daywalker". There's also a hot doctor who gets bitten by a vampire, but is saved by Blade. She concocts a cure for vampirism after borrowing some stuff from the hospital she works at. This takes about a day. Blade and the doctor are captured by Dorff and Co. Blade nearly dies but is saved by the doctor. Dorff becomes the "Blood God" and he and Blade have a funny sword fight that includes a lot of kung-fu. Blade kills Dorff. The doctor goes home to cure herself and Blade goes to Russia to fight more vampires.

Aside from the really bad special effects and dopey characters, Blade provides the opportunity to ask "why didn't they just..." more than any other movie I have ever seen. Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration, but this movies is a shit sandwich. And that's the truth.

- Complaint Dept.

1 comment:

Cortez the Killer said...

Holy shit, best review posted on this site so far. I thought the movie was entertaining and fun. The rest of the series has been pretty fucking awful. There is a new movie coming out with Lucy Liu that totally looks like a remake of this.