Thursday, April 26, 2007

the woods (2006)

Fear 0 - 5: 0
Gore 0 - 5: 1
Creepiness 0 - 5: 1
Entertainment 0 - 5: 1
Nightmare 0 - 5: 0

how can something that says it is trying to scare me bore me so badly?

this is a moderately well-made sleeper about a young girl shipped out to a boarding school by her over-bearing mother and her quiet father (played by bruce campbell) after she apparently started a little fire. what's so bad about that?

set in 1965, the woods quickly settles into a drawn out combination of "girl interruped" and "susperia" as our heroine heather makes friends with the first nerd who talks to her, and enemies with the school bad-ass who can't muster up any better insult than to repeatedly call heather "firecrotch".

once heather sets in she starts to have nightmares about some girls who have gone missing from the school. in these dreams she is being chased through the local woods until she winds up alone with a strange girl in her room who proceeds to attack heather with an axe.

fast forward an hour, and nothing much has happened. finally the woods themselves begin to come after heather, with cgi vines cruising the halls (sometimes this looks kind of cool and creepy, mostly it just looks dumb and fake). local bad-girl turns out to be local good-girl who somehow places a call to heathers dad to come get her. he does, but the woods strike back, closing off the road, tipping over the car and finally shutting up the mother.

heather and bruce wake up in the hospital, surrounded by the school staff who have of course turned out to be witches. of course they are, why wouldn't they be? they drug heather and curse bruce, who both recover in record time and manage to find the witch's coven in the woods while being chased by cgi plant life. a little axe work later and all the witches are dead and the movie mercifully releases it's captives.

- the fucking beard

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